It’s not you, it’s me

Last week, I wrote about the fatigue I’ve been struggling with recently (which has, by the way, definitely improved since I took action & made a change). The extreme tiredness impacted my work, my mood, and my social life, but nowhere did I feel it more than in my training. Metcons, in particular, were a battle. I had to fight to make myself go in the first place, and then I had to fight for every rep and every breath. Many, many times, I wanted to stop – to throw the towel in and tap out; many, many times, I fought tears as I struggled to keep going. I wasn’t keeping up with the people I used to keep up with, and it was hard to watch them improving while I felt like my fitness was going backwards. Each metcon like this made it that much harder to go to the next one.

Then, last week, a friend posted this photo on Facebook:

(on sale here)

It was a timely reminder that in the midst of a WoD, it’s about me, not the others working out alongside me. I have had (and will have) my times of improvement, and they will have theirs. The important thing is to be there, consistently putting in the work. Sometimes I might feel like I’m not winning...but how can I be losing when it’s just me against myself? At the end of the day, I’m still there; I’m still pushing through… I’m still choosing not to be defeated.

Lamb moussaka

Meat sauce

Olive oil
1kg lamb mince
1 onion, diced
2 large garlic cloves, crushed/chopped finely
1 tin tomatoes
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp ground coriander
½ tsp cumin seeds
1 tbsp pomegranate molasses
Salt & pepper

In a large saucepan, heat olive oil, then fry garlic and onion until soft. Add lamb mince & cook, stirring often to separate, until browned. Stir in all remaining ingredients, bring to the boil, and simmer for 10-15 minutes.

Vegetable layers

2 eggplants
4 courgettes
Olive oil

Remove tops and ends from eggplants and courgettes, then slice thinly, lengthwise. Heat olive oil in a frypan and cook vegetable slices until browned on each side. You will need to do a few at a time to ensure they are flat against the base of the frypan. The eggplant soaks up a lot of oil, so add more as needed.

Faux white sauce
1 cauliflower
1/4 tsp paprika
Dash of olive oil
Salt & pepper

Steam cauliflower. Transfer cooked cauliflower to a bowl then use stick blender to ‘mash’ it. Add paprika, olive oil, & salt and pepper, and whip with a fork.

Putting it all together

Line the bottom of a lasagne or other large baking dish with the eggplant slices, then create another layer of eggplant slices in the other direction (so they criss cross).

Spoon half the meat sauce over eggplant. Layer courgette slices over meat sauce. Spoon over the other half of the meat sauce, then top with the cauliflower mash.

Bake at 180 degrees celsius for 20 minutes, or until top is slightly browned and sauce is bubbling.

Note: this is super tasty, but not very pretty – it goes a bit sloppy when you serve it – so maybe don’t cook this if you’re being judged on presentation!

Duped?

Does anyone else ever feel a little bit duped sometimes? A bit short-changed with this whole health and fitness gig?

I know I’m probably not meant to admit it, but I do. And I’ve been feeling a lot like that lately.

I mean, I eat really well (not even 80:20…probably more like 95:5), I train hard (but I’m careful not to overtrain), I don’t do drugs or drink much alcohol, I usually get about 8 hours sleep a night…and yet for the last couple of months, I’ve been feeling rubbish! It got to the point that I actually went to the doctor for blood tests last week because I was just so darn exhausted.

I thought I was meant to feel amazing from all this good behaviour?!

Instead, I’ve been constantly tired, I feel like my training’s been going backwards (particularly the metcon components), I’ve been moody, and even cooking hasn’t been helping! It’s been getting pretty hard going. I’ll even admit to the odd moment of thinking that, if all this clean eating and hard training isn’t paying off, perhaps I should just go and have a few wines or eat a couple of slices of cake…it’s not like it’ll make any difference, right?!

Well actually, that’s probably wrong…and I didn’t succumb to those thoughts. Instead, I took a step back and took a good look at myself and my life. Yes, my diet’s in order; yes, my training’s in order; yes, my sleep’s in order; yes, my stress…oh…hold on…my stress levels. Um yeah, about that. Probably not so in order.

So you know what I did? I made a change! It’s a little too early to tell if it’ll pay off, but I’m already feeling lighter, and I’m hoping that before long, I’ll notice the changes in my energy levels, my emotions, and my training too. I’ll let you know how I go!

So basically what I’m saying is, if you think you’re doing all the right things and you’re still feeling awful, take a really objective look at your life. Are all aspects of your life (and I mean all of them) as optimum as you can make them at this moment in time? If you think they are, then I suggest talking to your coaches/trainers/friends/family – they might have a different perspective to offer, or at least some suggestions as to how you can feel a bit better. If they’re not, then make some changes. Even small changes can make a big difference.

And if you’re doing all the right things and still feeling awful…just think how much worse you’d be feeling if you were doing all the wrong things!!

Satay Beef Casserole

Sesame oil
1 onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, crushed & chopped finely
1 heaped tbsp red curry paste
1kg casserole beef, cubed (if you talk nicely to your local butcher, they might do this for you!)
2 capsicums, sliced thinly (I used a red & a yellow, mostly for the colour)
5 tbsp almond butter (I used homemade, but store-bought would be fine)
1 400ml can coconut milk
2 tsp curry powder
Salt (to taste)
2 kaffir lime leaves

In a jug or bowl, combine coconut milk and almond butter and set aside.

Heat sesame oil in a large casserole dish, on the stovetop. Add onion, garlic and red curry paste, and cook, stirring often, until fragrant & onion is soft. Add beef and cook until browned. Stir in capsicums and cook for a couple more minutes.

Pour over coconut milk and almond butter, then add curry powder and salt. Stir. Add kaffir lime leaves and stir gently. Bring to the boil.

Stir again, then place the lid on the casserole dish and transfer to the oven. Bake at 180 degrees celcius for 30 minutes.

Serve with cauliflower rice and garnish with fresh coriander.

Dear Crossfitter: Be Kinder to Yourself

An awesome post (and wonderful reminder to us all) from AndreAnna over on Life As A Plate. These words really resonated with me:

Dear crossfitter: be kinder to yourself

To train or not to train

A few months ago, I started a new job, working for a big organisation. It's great - I get challenged, I get good colleagues, I get free alcohol, and I get paid. But I also get everybody's bugs. And I get stress.

In the past few months, I've had more minor colds than I had in the previous year. And I've probably cried from sheer exhaustion more times too.

It's hard to juggle training, work, health, and relationships. I'm learning that I only have so much intensity to give...so I'm also having to learn to make choices about what I give it to.

What do you do on those days when you can feel yourself coming down with something, or you're so tired that your eyes actually hurt? To train, or not to train?

Sometimes, sweating it all out in a bad-ass WOD is the best thing for me. But sometimes it's not. I'm still trying to figure out how to recognise which option is the best course of action. And I'm still trying to figure out how to fight the guilt if I choose the latter.

Cooking good food might just be the answer. I certainly think Bear hopes it is!

Roast duck breasts with blueberry balsamic sauce

2 duck breasts
Duck fat
Cloves

Scour the skin/fat layer of the duck breasts (almost to the flesh). Insert 5-6 cloves (per breast) into the cuts.

Melt duck fat in a roasting dish (enough to almost cover the breasts). Add breasts and roast for approximately 1 hour at 150 degrees C.

Remove duck from oven and drain fat. Spoon some of the blueberry balsamic sauce (recipe below) over the duck breasts and return to a hot oven (200-220 degrees C) until crispy.

For the sauce
1C chicken stock (use a good, gluten-free liquid stock)
1/2C white wine
1/4C balsamic vinegar
1 tsp honey (I think...I can't read my writing...it might say 1 dsp!)
1 tsp ground cloves (I used a mortar & pestle to ground whole cloves)
A touch of cinnamon
1C blueberries (fresh or frozen)

Combine all ingredients except blueberries in a saucepan & bring to the boil, stirring often. Add blueberries and bring back to the boil. Simmer for 20-30 minutes, stirring regularly. Season to taste.

To serve
Serve each duck breast on cauliflower mash, topped with additional sauce.

On the side, I served brussel sprouts - halved, placed on a baking tray, topped with coconut oil and salt, and baked until just starting to brown (about 15 minutes at 200 degrees C).

The fruity flavour of the berries and the warmth of the cloves matched particularly well with a good montepulciano!

Body Conscious

In a post a few months ago, I made a bold claim. I announced to the world (or at least, to the people who read this blog) that I loved my CrossFit/primal eating body.

I lied.

Or rather, I was misinformed. I thought I was loving my body. In reality though, I had just been attempting to beat it into submission. I hadn’t been nurturing and honouring it, I had been training it and depriving it, in the hope that it would one day look the way I wanted it to.

But what way was that? When it really comes down to it, what is ‘beautiful’?

Is beautiful skinny? Pretty? Blonde? Brunette? Is it confident? Rich? Successful? Is it really what’s on the inside that counts? And is strong really the new skinny?

Sure, society has it’s own definitions of beautiful, but so do each of us as individuals. I’m sure that many of us have our own idea of what we want our body to look like, but then aren’t we taught that we should be happy with the way we are? How do we strive for improvement while still accepting ourselves and loving ourselves as we are?

I had a great conversation with Cliff Harvey about this very same thing. Like many women, I’ve had a hard time seeing my body as beautiful. I’d love to have a leaner mid-section, a visible a 6-pack…but then I feel bad for not accepting my body the way it was…and I didn’t really believe I had the body type for a 6-pack anyway. What a dilemma! Well not so much anymore. Cliff shared a great saying with me: “Happy but not satisfied”. There’s nothing wrong with having goals and striving for improvement – a healthy dissatisfaction with the status quo, I think it’s referred to as – but that doesn’t mean we have to be ‘unhappy’ with where we’re at currently. And as for my 6-pack, who says I don’t have the body type for it? If I tell myself I can’t, then I won’t. We create our own truth. So I’ve started to tell myself that I can; and it’s starting to become my own truth.

Returning to the idea of beauty now, I think we’d all agree that for many people, their definition of beauty includes some concept of fitness and health. But what happens when getting fitter means getting bigger? How do we reconcile that with the ‘feminine ideal’ of smallness? The other week, for the first time ever, I found a pair of pants (in my size) that wouldn’t fit over the increasing circumference of my thighs, and another that didn’t fit my calves. Oh the excitement! I’m actually getting muscly!! But while I love what my increasing size means in terms of my strength and capabilities, it’s kind of hard when all my clothes are getting tight because of it. In the past, tightening clothing have never been a good thing! Loving my new muscles doesn’t necessarily provide protection against the depressing feeling of not fitting into my clothes.

Happy but not satisfied. It can be a fragile balance, and one that’s not always easy to achieve. But now, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror and I accept myself. I look myself in the eye and tell myself that I love myself – right at this moment, for who I am and where I am. But I have goals, I have things that I’m striving for; and that’s ok too.

6-pack, here I come…

Good enough

The last few weeks have been a real period of learning for me. Learning a new job, learning to rope climb, learning to make space for ‘down time’, learning to love myself, learning to push myself, learning when to stop pushing. The key thing here being ‘learning’. I haven’t mastered any of them yet, but I’m in the process, and I’m happy in that process.

As a psychologist, I totally subscribe to the idea that what we tell ourselves will invariably be what we experience – we create our own truth. I also do a reasonable job of identifying my own negative self-beliefs and self-talk. But I sure as hell haven’t had much success in trying to change them! Cliff Harvey, enter stage right!

A few weeks ago, I was fortunate enough to have a session with mind-body guru Cliff Harvey. We spent a lot of time exploring and challenging some of my self-beliefs. One of the key things to come out of my time with Cliff was the concept of self-worth. I found myself struggling to truly embrace statements like “I am worthy of the best that life has to offer”, “I love myself completely”, and “I do my best, and my best is good enough”.

That last one is interesting. “I do my best, and my best is good enough”. Now, I’m quite happy with the idea that I do my best. It’s the second part of the statement that I find more challenging. I so often chastise myself, and my efforts, for not being ‘good enough’, for not meeting the lofty expectations that I place on myself. But after working on it with Cliff, I came away feeling great; happy in the knowledge that I did indeed do my best, and that my best was good enough.

Little did I know the hardest part was yet to come…several times over!

My newfound satisfaction with myself was tested that very night at CrossFit. I found that day’s press workout really tough, and despite pushing myself hard, I came away feeling like I should (not necessarily could) have done better. But I talked myself around, and accepted my performance.

And then I did the first two sectionals workouts. Both times, I managed to exceed my goals, and was feeling pretty good about my efforts…until I saw what everyone else got, and then I started feeling like my score wasn’t good enough. Back to the drawing board.

And then the third sectionals workout was announced…a clean and jerk AMRAP, 10kg heavier than my personal best. Now I was really being tested. It was a pretty hard physical battle for me, but more than that, it was a huge mental battle. The pressure I put on myself to get that lift nearly broke me. I got it (well, the squat clean part of it), but at what expense? I dreaded CrossFit for the days leading up to it, and the days following it, and I still didn’t feel like my best was good enough.

And then, just to top it all off, the fourth sectionals workout was announced, and once again, the lift was heavier than I’d done before. I was well and truly on the downward slope now. Except that before I got to the bottom, I came to a realisation. The pressure I was putting on myself was ruining something that I loved. It was taking the fun out of CrossFit.

So I decided to put it back in. I would do my best, and my best would be good enough. I would enjoy the challenge, I would enjoy the process, but I would not beat myself up for not being good enough.


Things are pretty busy right now and I’m finding it hard to make the time to post. I’ve been feeling guilty about that. But I’m going to stop feeling guilty. Instead, I will do my best, and know that my best is, in fact, good enough.


Crumbed chicken strips

Boneless, skinless chicken breasts
Egg (beaten lightly with a fork)
Almond meal (seasoned with salt & pepper)
Coconut oil
Assorted vegetables to roast
Pesto (I used bought pesto – Genoese brand - in this instance, because I was short on time!)

Slice chicken breasts in half horizontally, and then cut these pieces into strips.

Dip each strip into the egg, then into the almond meal, and coat well.

Fry the chicken strips in coconut oil, until golden. Serve with roast vegetables, and topped with pesto.

Instead of roast vegetables, I have also served this on grilled eggplant slices, with asparagus, cherry tomatoes, and homemade coriander, mint and cashew pesto. The chicken’s pretty good cold as well.

Making the most of what you've got

We all have things that we’re not so good at. I’m sure we’ve all experienced those moments of dismay when we get a WoD that seems to intentionally target our ‘worst’ exercises, or when we have to do something at work that doesn’t come naturally to us (public speaking, anyone?!). We all know what it’s like to feel as if we’re not doing something as well as we’d like to.

There is no denying it - we all have our weaknesses.

But we also all have our strengths.

The beauty of CrossFit is that the nature of the sport allows everyone to utilise their strengths. It lets everyone make the most of what they’ve got. I’ve got a long way to go with most of the exercises we do in CrossFit, but I have a pretty good run. I now love it when we get WoDs with runs in them, because I know I can use them to make up time I might lose on exercises that I find harder. I’ve switched my mindset from seeing runs as a bit of a ‘rest’, because they’re not as hard, to viewing them as something I can utilise to improve my performance. It’s no different when we face challenges in life. It’s important to focus on our strengths and how we can best use them to overcome each hurdle.

The CrossFit Games are about to start. Have you entered yet? Sure, you might not think you can complete every workout as rx’d, and you might not be aiming for a place at regionals or worlds, but you just might find that one of the sectionals workouts happens to involve those very exercises you know you’re good at. Every single member of a team can contribute to the team’s overall scores. Every single member of the team can make the most of what they’ve got to help the team get to the next stage. So what are you waiting for? Sign up and make the most of what you’ve got!

http://games.crossfit.com/athletes/teams/crossfit-new-zealand

Speaking of making the most of what you’ve got, here are a few recipes I threw together at short notice, using bits and pieces that were in the fridge, or things that needed using up…


Olive, pickled onion, and feta mix

I was feeling kind of peckish prior to heading out on Saturday night, and I really wanted something salty. So I had a rummage around the pantry and the fridge, and came up with this.

Black olives
Chopped pickled onions
Goats feta
(Could also add sundried tomatoes)

If I was making this in advance, I would also have added some fresh rosemary, but that would need time for the flavour to permeate through the mix.

Put all ingredients in a bowl & demolish!

Broccoli, avocado & mint salad 

When we got home, we had to throw a quick (but ideally tasty) dinner together. Bear was in charge of the steak, I was in charge of the vegetables. Having not yet done the grocery shopping, I was a bit short of options…but we did have some broccoli, some avocado, and some pecans leftover from the crumble…perfect for a warm broccoli salad!

Broccoli
Avocado
Chopped fresh mint
Chopped pecans
Olive oil
Lemon juice
Salt & pepper, to taste

In a bowl, combine olive oil, lemon juice, fresh mint, pecans, and salt & pepper.

Steam broccoli & add to the bowl. Chop avocado, add, and stir.

Eggplant & kumara dip

This one came about because I had a couple of eggplant that needed using, and then we had a bit of leftover baked kumara that Bear had cooked for a brunch with friends who never showed! (Don’t feel bad though guys, it made a great starter for dinner with my family that evening!)…

2 eggplants, sliced and roasted
6 cloves garlic, roasted
Roasted kumara
2 tsp cumin seeds, toasted
3 tbsp tahini
Juice of 1 lemon
Olive oil
Salt & pepper
Touch of ground cayenne pepper

Roast eggplant, garlic, and kumara.

Combine all ingredients using a stick blender or food processor.

Serve with fresh vegetable sticks.

Happily ever after

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away...well actually, not far away at all, but that sounds better...there was a young (let me indulge myself here) woman who totally sucked at power cleans. She knew she sucked at power cleans - they just felt so wrong, so awkward, so...sucky! And because she knew she sucked at power cleans, she worked hard on her technique, she rehearsed it over and over again in her mind, she thought about every single part of the movement...in fact, she over-thought every single part of the movement...and yet she still sucked. And it didn't matter how many people told her she could do them, that the bar was going well high enough, that she really was capable of lifting heavier...she still sucked.

But then, one day, this young woman realised that she was sick of sucking at power cleans. She decided she didn't want to suck at them anymore. Instead, she decided that she was actually awesome at power cleans. Not going to be awesome, you understand; actually was awesome.

And lo and behold, she was.

She went into a workout that day and nailed 45 x 35kg power cleans.

Then, less than a week later, she knocked 2 minutes off her previous 'Grace' (30 clean and jerks) time.

And now she knows she's awesome at power cleans. And so she lived happily ever after.


So it just goes to show how much of what we do, in workouts and in life, comes down to mindset. Often, the outcome is already determined by our approach. We can choose to suck, or we can choose to be awesome - it's up to us.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we can always choose what happens to us in life, but I do think we can choose how we respond. And we can always choose how we approach each day, each workout, each challenge.

We can choose to be processed-carbohydrate-laden, sugar-laden chocolate shell pudding (WTF?!?)...

...or we can choose to be primal-crumbly-goodness...

What will you choose today?


Apple, blueberry & dark chocolate crumble

2 cups almond meal
50g butter, softened & chopped

Ground mixed spice

Ground cinnamon
100g 85% dark chocolate, roughly chopped
1 cup pecans, chopped (hazelnuts would also be tasty)


Apples
Blueberries (frozen or fresh)
Ground mixed spice, cloves, and cinnamon


For the topping
Place the almond meal, spices, and chopped butter in a mixing bowl.

Using your fingers, rub the butter into the almond meal, until it looks a little like biscuit crumbs.

Stir in chopped chocolate and pecans.

For the crumble
Stew apples with some ground mixed spice, cloves, and cinnamon.

 Here's a little something I prepared earlier...

Place apples and blueberries in a baking dish.

Spread the topping evenly over the fruit mixture.

Bake at 180 degrees, until topping is golden and fruit is heated through (approximately 20-30 minutes).

Leave to stand for at least 10-15 minutes before serving (preferably with lots of cream!), although I would recommend baking in advance and serving cool.

Tastes even better the next day, cold and swimming in cream, after smashing 30 clean and jerks! Just like my 'Grace' performance, it improved with time...

Inspiration. Where do you get yours from?

Inspiration.  It fuels my creativity. It motivates me to be the best version of myself. It drives me.

At CrossFit, I get inspiration from the people around me. The CrossFit women, who I aspire to be as strong as, as committed as, as driven as. Bear, who pushes himself to be better every single time. The personal battles that each individual fights when they push through a WoD. So I utilise this; I channel this. I watch the more experienced CrossFit women in their workouts and in competition; I workout behind Bear where possible, because his efforts inspire my efforts; and I remind myself of the battles that others are fighting, when I feel like my one is just too hard.

In life, I am inspired by my friends and my family. My father, who has battled back from serious illness and major heart surgery; who now enjoys all the activities he used to before his illness. My mother, who carries on like a trooper, supporting us through all our crises; who, at almost 61, is still prepared to give water-skiing a go, and now even CrossFit; and who is a demon in the kitchen. My gorgeous aunt and cousins, who still grieve their husband/father but have found a way to carry on and find happiness in life. My grandparents, who have experienced so many trials and still remain strong, independent, and committed to their family. My friend, who has battled cancer three times, and still faces life head-on, positive and motivated. Bear, who has had 18 months of battles, yet constantly amazes me by his self-awareness, his concern for others, and his strength. I could keep going – the list is endless – but you get the idea…

In the kitchen, I am inspired by recipes I find on the net or in recipe books; by my Cuisine magazines (generously gifted to me by my brothers); by meals eaten out at restaurants or at friends’ places; and by dishes that my Mum makes.

This recipe was inspired by the homemade tomato sauce that Mum used to make. I remember going out to the ‘countryside’ to get the tomatoes, the big preserving pot bubbling away on the stove, and the incredible smell wafting through the house. I remember pouring the sauce out onto the newsprint paper that Friday night fish and chips came wrapped in. I remember the tomato-shaped container that it was always kept in. And I remember the family time that was associated with it.

Obviously I don’t really eat fish and chips anymore, but nothing beats a tasty tomato-based sauce. I especially like hickory sauce. So I have tried to adapt Mum’s original recipe to incorporate primal eating and a smoked hickory flavour…

Hils’ Smokin’ Hickory Sauce

2kg tomatoes*

500ml red wine vinegar

40g rock salt

½ tsp cayenne pepper

2 cloves garlic

500g apples

3 large onions

3 tbsp liquid smoke

½ cup maple syrup (if you want to be strict paleo, you can leave this out, but maybe reduce the salt)

In a muslin bag:

            ½ tsp black peppercorns

            ½ tsp whole all spice

            15g whole cloves

            2 star anise

Cut tomatoes, apples & onions. Put all ingredients into a large saucepan. Boil 3 hours, stirring occasionally.

Use a stick blender or food processor to mix.

*Thanks to Nikki & Josh for the homegrown organic Roma tomatoes!

Inspiration. Where do you get yours from?

True story.

28 January. To most of you, it’s probably just another day. But it’s a date I’ll never forget.

7 years ago today, I was facing one of my greatest challenges. 7 years ago today, I was lying on an operating table while surgeons removed my large bowel. Crohn’s Disease hadn’t succeeded in taking my life, but it had succeeded in taking my colon.

In September 2003, just before my 23rd birthday, I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease - an autoimmune disease that affects your digestive system. They don’t know what causes it, or how to cure it. However, the chronic nature of the condition wasn’t made all that clear to me, and I went away thinking that, just like most other illnesses, if I took my medications it would eventually go away.

Unfortunately, things didn’t go quite to plan! After about 3 months of very little change in my symptoms, I suddenly got really sick. I could barely eat, I was in the bathroom more often than I was out of it, I was losing a lot of blood, and I was in a lot of pain. At its worst, I was actually crawling between my bed and the bathroom. Unsurprisingly, I ended up in hospital, but because the disease had been so mild when I was diagnosed 3 months earlier, it took the medical team about 5 days to realise how bad things were.

On December 31st 2003, because I wasn’t responding to treatment, they performed a sigmoidoscopy. My Mum had stopped in to say goodbye before heading away for New Year (that sounds callous, but none of us realised just how sick I was), and will never forget the specialist telling her that if that was her daughter, she wouldn’t be going anywhere. She didn’t. From the scope, it was apparent that my bowel was very close to perforating, and the doctors had to start considering major emergency surgery to remove my large bowel. This surgery would mean that I would end up with an ileostomy, which is where they bring the end of the small bowel out onto the surface of the abdomen and stitch it in place. Happy New Year.

Only the problem with doing emergency surgery at that time was that I was really too sick for my body to be able to cope. Wait, or operate? Either option was going to be risky, so it was a fairly tense time while the doctors tried to decide what course of action would give me the best chance of coming through this.

Thankfully, after a few days, the medications had enough of an effect that they were able to hold off on the surgery, allowing them to try all the other treatment options available. Although in the end none of them were effective and I did need the surgery, at least my body had a chance to build up a bit of strength, I had a chance to come to terms emotionally with what was going on, and I knew that every other option had been explored.

28 January. Surgery was rough (pain control was a massive problem) and the recovery was long and hard. When I came out of hospital, I struggled just to walk up my parents’ driveway. I was just starting to make progress when I had another disease flare and needed more major surgery in July of the same year – this time, making my ileostomy permanent. But I resolved that I wasn’t going to let the Crohn’s or the ileostomy stop me doing anything…and it hasn’t [well, it has stopped me doing one thing, but this probably isn’t the appropriate forum for a discussion on toilet habits!]. In fact, I probably do more now than I did before my surgery, including the very things I was told I shouldn’t do with an ileostomy (namely, contact sports and heavy lifting)! My experience has motivated me to make the most of my opportunities, to challenge myself, to push myself beyond my comfort zone.

But it hasn’t always been easy. Pushing yourself, trying new things, embracing what life has to offer is sometimes difficult when you just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a week. It was a constant battle. For 7 years, fatigue has been my nemesis…until now. Having changed my diet to primal eating when I started CrossFit in October, I have experienced a huge change in my energy levels. Sure, I get physically tired when I’ve trained hard, but it’s so totally different to the fatigue that I fought before.

Not only that, I actually love my CrossFit/primal eating body! It’s not perfect – far from it. It’s not as strong or as toned as it could be. But it’s stronger, faster, and fitter than ever before.

This was me not long after I came out of hospital from my first surgery, my face still puffy from the huge doses of steroids I was on, my limbs in serious need of some toning…






This was me when I started CrossFit in October last year…





This was me two months into CrossFit and primal eating…



For the first time in about 12 years, I can honestly say that I love my body.



28 January 2004. 7 years. I never thought I would, or could, have the life I do now. I have worked, I have studied, I have travelled. I have played music, I have played sports. I have amazing friends and family, I have a partner who I adore.

7 years. I have laughed, I have loved, I have lived. My illness has made me the person I am, and if I had to go through it all again to be where I am today, I would. In a heartbeat.

7 years. Time flies when you’re having fun.

True story.

'Failure'

The other day, I wrote about pride and celebrating our successes, but what do we do when we 'fail'*...fail to meet others' expections or to meet our own?

This is something I really struggle with. I hate looking bad (read: not doing something perfectly) in front of others, and I hate it even more when I don't meet the pretty huge expectations I place on myself. In these situations, I have a tendency to try and hide it...pretend it never happened. How many of you respond the same way? How many of you avoid talking or thinking about perceived 'failures', and shut down the conversation when others bring them up? It's hard to admit to being less than perfect!

I was inspired and humbled by Bear's response to Saturday's baseline Grace workout. He was disappointed. His time was slower than his personal best (PB), and the workout didn't feel good. But instead of refusing to discuss it, he posted his time on Facebook and talked about his performance with other CrossFitters.

And why not? We can't be at peak performance every single minute of every single day. It's normal to have off days. It's normal to have strengths and weaknesses. Admitting to these is just admitting to being human.

I can, and will, learn from Bear's approach.


So in the spirit of learning...in the spirit of personal development...I am admitting to 'failing' in the kitchen last night.

We came in late from CrossFit, we had our post-workout smoothie, and I was contemplating throwing together a lamb stirfry for dinner. But I was tired. Scratch that...I was exhausted...we both were...and cooking just seemed too hard. So we ended up having what will henceforth be referred to as a 'block mash-up'. Instead of creating a delicious culinary masterpiece, I made up our blocks using tuna, yoghurt, prunes, and almonds (not all mixed together, I hasten to add!). Domestic goddess fail!

Oh well, at least lunch was pretty tasty...

Tongan Tuna Cakes
(because we're house-sitting for our friends, The Tongans, and so it was in their kitchen that these were created)

Ingredients
3 kumara, boiled to soft
1 egg
50g almond meal
196g tinned tuna in springwater (drained)
2 spring onions
2 tsp paprika
salt
pepper

Mash kumara, combine with egg and almond meal.
Stir in drained tuna, spring onions, paprika, and salt and pepper to taste.
Shape into patties (I made 8 patties, which were supposed to be approximately 1 block each...but I think we went a bit crazy on the kumara!).

Cook in butter, using a frypan or electric frypan, for approximately 5 minutes each side.
Serve with sweet chilli sauce (Bear's paleo sweet chilli recipe to be posted soon!)

*Note: 'fail' and 'failure' are used only in the context of failing to meet expectations (own or others')

Feel the fear…and do it anyway

Challenge – it’s what gets me up in the morning, it’s what enables the successes that give rise to the pride I talked about yesterday, it’s what pushes me to push myself. I thrive on challenge, and so challenging myself comes naturally to me. But that doesn’t stop it being scary. I can’t count how many times I’ve stood at the top of a snowboarding run; or waited in the water, attached to my wakeboard and gripping the ski rope; and wondered what the hell I was thinking when I took up those hobbies. But I’d feel the fear and do it anyway…some would say it’s because I’m a little crazy, but I prefer to think that the fact that it scared me made it that much more satisfying when I did it. By nature, challenges often are scary. They push us beyond our boundaries, beyond our comfort zone.

I can’t count the number of people I know who embody that idea, but a few particular individuals come to mind in relation to CrossFit. Our friends and family see the impact that CrossFit has had on our lives – after all, it’d be hard to miss it. And even if they had managed to remain completely blind to the changes in us, they’d be hard pushed to get us to shut up about it…we’ll talk the ears off anyone who expresses even a slight interest in what it is that we do! So naturally, it’s sparked some interest amongst our loved ones…but also some fear. So many people have said to me ‘oh, I wouldn’t be fit enough for CrossFit’, or ‘it sounds great, but I’d be scared that I’d end up looking stupid’. Well, some brave people we know are pushing their boundaries, leaving their comfort zones, and giving it a shot. To Tash, to my Mum, and to Bear’s sisters – we’re so proud of you for feeling the fear, and doing it anyway.

Now, I reckon it’d be wrong of me to talk others into challenging themselves without taking on some scary challenges myself, so I’ve been doing just that. CrossFit New Zealand (who will be referred to as CFNZ from now on) is running a 'Grace' challenge. 'Grace' is one of the CrossFit benchmark workouts, involving 30 x power clean and jerks at 60kg (for men) or 40kg (for women), as fast as possible. My clean and jerks suck. Like, seriously. It would be so much easier for me not to sign up for this challenge. So I did. Baseline is Saturday…and I’m scared.

Blogging also scares me. This wasn’t the first time someone had tried to persuade me to start a blog, but I didn’t think my experimenting in the kitchen was worthy of a blog, or that anyone else would want to read anything I had to say. But thanks to Bear’s encouragement, I did it anyway, and I’m loving it.

And as much as I love my kitchen time, I also love it when someone else cooks for me…but that challenges me too. You may have noticed already that I’m a textbook Type A – I like to be in control. Letting go in the kitchen is not easy for me. But I did, and I was rewarded with an amazing meal for it (guest post coming soon to a computer near you). Thanks Bear – I think I might just challenge myself more often!

Another challenge that I’m undertaking is to get better at post-workout nutrition. I often don’t eat for an hour or so after a CrossFit workout, which is not ideal. Bear’s great at post-workout nutrition, so I’m trying to learn from him. Last night we realised that we didn’t have anything to make our morning post-workout smoothie with, so we ventured to the supermarket at 10pm. I was planning on an avocado, apple & spinach smoothie, which I love (despite my original scepticism about avocado in smoothies). However, fate was against us – we couldn’t get any ripe avocados. So we ‘freestyled’ and settled for coconut milk as our fat content. I threw it all in the blender, added some spices for extra flavour, flicked the switch, and watched it all turn green. Taking the lid off the blender, I admit I was a bit worried – it smelt a little funky – but I got my brave on and tried it anyway. Delicious!

It would have been even better if we’d actually remembered to take it to the workout with us this morning! Oh well, it’s the thought that counts, right?!?

Funky Green Smoothie

4 eggs

4 cups of spinach

1 and ½ granny smith apples

400ml coconut milk

Nutmeg

Cinnamon

(4 blocks carbs, 4 blocks protein, 16 blocks fat)

1.     Throw everything into a blender (you might have to add half the spinach to begin with, then the other half once it’s blended down a bit)

2.     Blend on high

3.     Chill

4.     Remember to take it with you to your workout

Pride - vice or virtue?

I felt proud of myself yesterday. Really proud. And I'm not going to feel bad about admitting it.

So often, we're told not to boast, not to 'talk ourselves up', that we should downplay our achievements. But why should we? What's wrong with having a little pride in ourselves? I'm not talking arrogance or out-of-control egos here, I'm just talking about being able to congratulate ourselves on our successes and share our excitement with those around us. The ability to do this enhances your confidence and motivates you to strive harder towards your goals. At least, it does for me.

Why was I feeling proud? Well it was nothing earth-shattering, nothing Nobel prize-worthy...just three small successes, but I feel good about them nonetheless.

Achievement #1
Yesterday's workout at CrossFit New Zealand involved unbroken reps, which provide an interesting mental and physical challenge.

5 sets:
15 unbroken pull ups
20 unbroken wall balls
25 unbroken Double unders
- restart the exercise from zero if you stop to rest or miss a rep.

This was a tough workout, and I had to modify. Modification #1 was reps - 10, 15, 20 instead of 15, 20, 25. I was hoping to be able to achieve this on the pull ups and wall balls, but I wasn't holding high hopes for the double unders, given that my previous PB had been 17. Modification #2 was to do broken sets.

Now, I didn't manage to do all the pull ups unbroken - after set 1, I was too broken for that! But I did get all the wall balls unbroken, which was pretty cool. Even better though, and what I'm really proud of...I got one unbroken set of double unders! That's right...I managed 20 unbroken double unders...and it was on the fourth set too, so I was doing them fatigued. Given that prior to Boxing Day, I couldn't even get two unbroken double unders, I am feeling pretty damn stoked.

Achievement #2
I got my first pull-up blister! I've had peeling skin & callouses on my hands from pull-ups before, but this was my first real, live blister. While I know that might not be much of a source of pride for many people, for me, it was an indication that I'd pushed myself...hard. High five (just be careful of popping that puppy!)

[Ok, so I know it's small and you can't really see it, but there really is a blister right below my index finger!]

Achievement #3
I actually remembered to measure the ingredients that went into last night's dinner! I almost forgot...I'd even picked up a regular old spoon to start throwing stuff into the pan...but then I remembered you guys and the measuring spoon. So here it is, the accurate (mostly) recipe for Almond Satay Chicken Stirfry.

Almond Satay Chicken Stirfry

Ingredients
2 onions
1 tsp crushed garlic
1 tsp red chilli
300g chicken
4 cups bean sprouts (I know these aren't technically paleo, but they were delivered in the vege box for the week, so we used them)
~ 2 cups broccoli
1 red capsicum
1 cup carrots
2 tbsp almond butter
110ml coconut cream

Fresh coriander to taste (I used lots because I like it!)

[note: these quantities gave us approximately 11 blocks carbs, 11 blocks protein, and 23 blocks fat - 3 x 2-block meals + 1 x 5-block meal. If you're not doing Zone, just chuck in whatever quantities of meat & veges you want]

1. Fry (I used a wok) onions, garlic, and chilli in a bit of olive oil. I didn't have fresh chillis or garlic, so I had to use pre-prepared stuff, but fresh would be better.
2. Add chicken and cook until white
3. Add all of the vegetables except the bean sprouts and cook until soft (or as cooked as you like them). I added a bit of water into the pan here too, to help soften them a bit.
4. Add the bean sprouts and stir through.
5. Add in the almond butter & coconut cream. Mix well and heat until simmering.
6. Stir in the coriander, serve & enjoy. If you're as lucky as me, that will be with good company, before a lovely evening at the tennis - thanks Tanya!

And you are...??

So I guess I should start with a bit of an introduction. After all, it's not everyday you meet a kitchen ninja...we're a pretty rare breed.

I'm Lana. I'm a 31 year-old female, living in New Zealand, and currently trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Boring, boring, boring. Here's the good stuff...

I like to workout. And by workout, I mean really workout. I do this thing called CrossFit...you may have heard of it...

What is CrossFit?

I only started CrossFit in October 2010, but although I'm still pretty new to it, I'm well and truly addicted. As well as CrossFit, I like to kick and punch things...or people...I don't discriminate. Although I do try to channel those aggressive tendencies for sole use in taekwon-do...or when something goes wrong in the kitchen.

I also love food. A lot. You know those people who say they forgot to eat? Yeah...I'll never be one of them. I mean seriously, you forgot to eat? Did your brain block out the smells of other people's lunches wafting down the corridor, or the sounds of your stomach growling louder than a bear suffering from honey withdrawal? WHO FORGETS TO EAT??

Ok sorry, rant over. Now the thing with loving food but also loving training, is that you need to figure it out so that your nutrition supports (or even better, optimises) your training. Which is where paleo/primal eating comes in...

A little bit of an intro to the caveman diet

This kind of eating is new(ish) to me. 'New' in that I've only been following it closely for a few months, but 'ish' in that I've been mostly wheat free for over a year (food intolerance) and didn't have a huge amount of other grains or sugars in my diet before CrossFit. But it's still new. And it's still fun. And it's made a huge difference to my body composition, to my energy levels, and to my training. So I'm going with it. Luckily, I also like to experiment in the kitchen, which is why I've been encouraged (persuaded/coerced/whatever you want to call it) to start this blog.

Anyway,  speaking of bears (we were, remember?)...I have this amazing boyfriend (yes I know, the connection is seeming tenuous at best right now), who we will refer to as Bear because he's big, he's hairy, he sleeps a lot and he eats a lot (seeing the connection now?!). He also has a fiendish sweet tooth, so yesterday we embarked on a fortnight of sugar-free eating. That is, no refined sugars, and fruit limited to post work-out nutrition. As of today, we're also going 'Zone' to see if it provides us with additional training benefits.

I'm excited about this! I usually 'freestyle' in the kitchen, adding stuff until it tastes good. Measuring is new for me...I've always kind of felt that it interferes with my creative processes! But freestyling doesn't help you guys much, it won't help us with our 'zoning', and it annoys the hell out of my mum when she asks for the recipe for something! So I'm going to give it a shot.

Bear (excuse the pun) with me as I experiment with primal, with zone, with blogging, and with measuring…