Body Conscious

In a post a few months ago, I made a bold claim. I announced to the world (or at least, to the people who read this blog) that I loved my CrossFit/primal eating body.

I lied.

Or rather, I was misinformed. I thought I was loving my body. In reality though, I had just been attempting to beat it into submission. I hadn’t been nurturing and honouring it, I had been training it and depriving it, in the hope that it would one day look the way I wanted it to.

But what way was that? When it really comes down to it, what is ‘beautiful’?

Is beautiful skinny? Pretty? Blonde? Brunette? Is it confident? Rich? Successful? Is it really what’s on the inside that counts? And is strong really the new skinny?

Sure, society has it’s own definitions of beautiful, but so do each of us as individuals. I’m sure that many of us have our own idea of what we want our body to look like, but then aren’t we taught that we should be happy with the way we are? How do we strive for improvement while still accepting ourselves and loving ourselves as we are?

I had a great conversation with Cliff Harvey about this very same thing. Like many women, I’ve had a hard time seeing my body as beautiful. I’d love to have a leaner mid-section, a visible a 6-pack…but then I feel bad for not accepting my body the way it was…and I didn’t really believe I had the body type for a 6-pack anyway. What a dilemma! Well not so much anymore. Cliff shared a great saying with me: “Happy but not satisfied”. There’s nothing wrong with having goals and striving for improvement – a healthy dissatisfaction with the status quo, I think it’s referred to as – but that doesn’t mean we have to be ‘unhappy’ with where we’re at currently. And as for my 6-pack, who says I don’t have the body type for it? If I tell myself I can’t, then I won’t. We create our own truth. So I’ve started to tell myself that I can; and it’s starting to become my own truth.

Returning to the idea of beauty now, I think we’d all agree that for many people, their definition of beauty includes some concept of fitness and health. But what happens when getting fitter means getting bigger? How do we reconcile that with the ‘feminine ideal’ of smallness? The other week, for the first time ever, I found a pair of pants (in my size) that wouldn’t fit over the increasing circumference of my thighs, and another that didn’t fit my calves. Oh the excitement! I’m actually getting muscly!! But while I love what my increasing size means in terms of my strength and capabilities, it’s kind of hard when all my clothes are getting tight because of it. In the past, tightening clothing have never been a good thing! Loving my new muscles doesn’t necessarily provide protection against the depressing feeling of not fitting into my clothes.

Happy but not satisfied. It can be a fragile balance, and one that’s not always easy to achieve. But now, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror and I accept myself. I look myself in the eye and tell myself that I love myself – right at this moment, for who I am and where I am. But I have goals, I have things that I’m striving for; and that’s ok too.

6-pack, here I come…